


happy endings (silence)

by solelygoodbyes



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Anxiety, Codependency, Depression, I ramble a lot and dont know when to finish sentences, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, It Gets Worse, Like really slow, M/M, Not Beta Read, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Similes, Slow Burn, Unhealthy Relationships, as in I use the word like way too much, for now, vent fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:22:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28498980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/solelygoodbyes/pseuds/solelygoodbyes
Summary: renjun refuses to believe happy endings exist, donghyuck desperately wishes he did.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan
Comments: 1
Kudos: 7





	happy endings (silence)

**Author's Note:**

> warning: the tags and archive warnings are subject to change as i add chapters, please make sure if you want to follow along with this story you diligently double check them to make sure nothing written is too heavy for you. i'll be explicit in the tags with everything i add, if there's a tag you think i missed that would be beneficial to add as a warning don't hesitate to let me know! i want to make sure you have the insight you need to decide if this is something you want to read. 
> 
> ALSO if anyone reads this and thinks, "i feel like i've read this before." ... welcome back! you probably have read this before, so my apologies for that. i've been writing and rewriting this for years and i had the first 3 chapters posted for quite a while, i deleted those because i was unhappy with it, and i am rewriting everything and making changes.

“happy endings are bullshit,” renjun says suddenly

the pale light from the moon reflects on his skin, donghyuck thinks he looks beautiful

hes reminded of some poem he read in some literature class he hardly remembers, one plastered on the wall layered over some painting of the moon in an empty sky

donghyuck thinks back to the poem, he thinks back to the wall full of poems and can’t quite remember why he hadn’t bothered to read them all

“ _If I can stop one heart / from breaking, / I shall not live in vain,”_ donghyuck remembers this one clearly, each break in the lines, each curl of the letters, he remembers the branches of the trees wrapping themselves around the moon

 _“If I can ease one life the aching, / Or cool one pain,”_ donghyuck stares at the stars, trying to paint the words in the patterns

renjun exhales a white cloud of smoke carefully and slowly, somehow it looks beautiful, donghyuck wonders if that’s because it’s was produced by renjun

would that make sense, finding beauty in things that are simply loosely attached to him?

it had to make sense for the sake of donghyucks morals because smoking was a horrible and disgusting habit, there was nothing inherently beautiful about the idea of smoke wrapping its poisonous grip around someones lungs and holding tightly, tying them down to crave the pressure until it inevitably kills them.

it truly was in those loose associations where donghyuck found solace: renjun reminded donghyuck of a bird, transient and easy to frighten

donghyuck didn’t outright believe renjun would fly away at a movement too sudden, but he could sense the fear, it followed renjun everywhere.

 _“Or help one fainting robin, / Unto his nest again,”_ donghyuck lets his eyes wander over renjuns figure

it amazed him how the boy felt so far, so distant, even when he was right next to donghyuck.

his voice felt like it was floating, chasing stars in the sky, like he was searching for something desperately

“do you really believe that: happy endings aren’t real?” donghyuck asked, he felt himself frowning, he understood why.

donghyuck honestly felt like renjun was galaxies away, like there was light years separating them, renjun was being pulled away from him almost imperceptibly slowly and donghyuck just couldn’t pull him back down to earth.

 _“I shall not live in vain,”_ donghyuck remembered finally, how bittersweet the last line of that poem felt each time he glanced at that poster as he rushed to his next class

when had he started seeing renjun in those words, when had that poem become a piece of him?

it was silly to feel as if Dickinson wrote the poem to be printed and posted on that wall, as if she knew donghyuck would see it, as if she knew renjun would fall into his arms like that robin, as if she had the entire world mapped out in front of her as she wrote

donghyuck wonders if renjun ever bothered to read those poems

it felt like renjun merely floated through life, donghyuck thinks he's the closest thing to a friend renjuns ever had, and he doesn’t know how comfortable he is with that

donghyuck should read more poems, he should look at more works of art, he wishes it was easier

donghyuck was scared of renjun, not necessarily of renjun himself, but the idea of losing him, it was horrifying enough

looking at someone who sat right in front of you and watching them disappear in front of your eyes, watching renjun fade into the night sky was like a nightmare donghyuck had memories that were foggy around the edges of. renjun was vanishing too slowly for the human eye to perceive: but that didn’t mean donghyuck couldn’t feel it.

renjun felt like something foreign, like donghyuck hadn’t known him all his life, like they hadn’t grown up on the same street kicking the same rocks and scraping their knees on that same jagged sidewalk

donghyuck believes even that sidewalk feels more known to him than renjun in these moments.

the cement that had been carelessly poured into borders that clearly couldn’t hold, weeds grew in the larger cracks now

donghyuck remembers the cement being poured, he remembers the other neighborhood kids playing in it, leaving fossils of their handprints and footprints in it, leaving behind a memory of them incase anyone ever forgot,

he thinks back to the cracks in the sidewalk and wonders if the grass that grew before the cement was poured still tried to grow, did the grass still try? was it desperately fighting to break through the concrete? would it get tired? how long did it take for the grass to give up hope?

donghyuck thinks also of the pieces of the sidewalk that were uneven, the random spots where too much concrete was poured and never settled right, he thinks of the potholes that popped the tires of childrens bikes on sunny days

donghyuck wonders if renjun thought of that sidewalk too, did he wish it wasn’t jagged, had he ever wished the surface was smooth, had he ever wanted to fill the cracks? did renjun ever think back to the memories made on the sidewalk?

the days of street lights as alarms, the chalk they used so much their fingers would scrape the cement when they tried to draw, the days of tag and jump-rope, did renjun care?

“do you really believe they exist?” renjun asked in retaliation; it didn’t sound like he cared.

donghyuck knew renjuns opinions were buried deep, they were wrapped around his experiences like a boa constrictor on its prey, renjun would never change

the grass would never grow again, not where it had before

the cement would block the sunlight, even if donghyuck tried to speak, even if donghyuck tried to help, the cracks in the sidewalk would never offer enough sunlight

It wasn’t enough for the grass, and renjun was already buried.

“well, why wouldn’t i?” donghyuck tried arguing back, he knew his efforts would fall into the void, but still he tried

he would hold his arms out as long as he could, even when they got tired and sore, he would keep them stretched out in case that robin ever fell, he wanted to give it a safe place to land.

donghyuck knew it was likely that the sound of crickets chirping and wind rustling through the leaves could be the only answer he receives

nobody really knows renjun. nobody knows who he really is, nobody knows he's scared of being alone, nobody knows hes horrified of not being alone, nobody knows his pet peeves or habits. donghyuck honestly believes nobody else knows his 3-am-existential-crisis-thoughts, nobody knows _him_.

donghyuck thinks renjuns biggest fear must be somebody knowing him, knowing the ins and outs of him, his expressions and thoughts,

donghyuck knows renjun shivers at the thought of being someone to anyone.

donghyuck felt like even he hardly knew renjun, in moments like this, when renjuns eyes danced towards the sky, back and forth as if he was trying to memorize the placement of each individual star, renjun was so far away.

so when donghyuck ended up receiving the sound of cars driving on the nearby highway as an answer to his question, he accepted it, because renjun wouldn’t explain himself; renjun wouldn’t let any details slip, he didn’t want to be known.

donghyuck knew that renjun had a lot on his mind, even when he would speak, donghyuck knew there were wars being fought in his head

the silence between them and the night wasn’t heavy or uncomfortable, it had never been.

maybe silence was renjuns safety net, maybe it was donghyucks grip on reality

donghyuck liked to believe they both depended on the silence to ground them, to keep them protected in their own ways.

 _“don’t get your hopes up,”_ the silence would whisper when it felt like renjun would let donghyuck in, the silence would hold him down when he wanted to chase after renjun before he could get too far in the stars

donghyuck wondered what the silence meant to renjun, was it a shield that protected him from being known? did renjun yearn for silence in loud rooms?

did renjun plead for silence in his mind? did renjun rely on the silence of the night to contrast whatever commotion was happening in his mind?

donghyuck wished he could ask, but the silence sat smiling between them like the ghost of someone telling donghyuck it will remain the answer no matter how hard he tries.

watching renjun carefully as he brought his shaking hand to his chapped lips for another drag was something donghyuck grew accustomed to. he hated the habit of the other, it hurt him to see someone he considered important to him carelessly throw his life away to addiction.

he'd tried gently telling renjun he should quit while they were still young, but renjun would just laugh as donghyucks suggestion lost itself in the night.

whenever donghyuck let his heart think louder than his brain, the silence reminded him that time keeps moving.

time keeps leading everyone to an inevitable death and he will be gone one day, and maybe renjun is right about happy endings

but when he inhales the toxic chemicals he loves so dearly, donghyuck can't help but hate the idea of him giving up on the fantasy so early. he hoped that maybe the look of relief rushing over renjuns face as his addiction was fed would be just enough to freeze time for a moment.

the silence did feel like a friend, one who hovered among the crowd, always watching and rooting for them, when donghyuck let his heart wander too far, the silence reminded him renjun was stone cold and out of reach, that he was surrounded by barbed wire and those same jagged sidewalks they grew up on.

“don’t you have to get home?” donghyuck asked, it was late, he silently hoped the boy would say no just so they could sit in this moment a little longer, so that time would stand still for a few more moments

renjun sighs almost inaudibly, but the comfortable silence of the night projects it: “no.” he says, simply, as if there were no expectations for him, as if time didn’t restrain him the same way it did everyone else.

and donghyuck wouldn’t bat an eye if time contorted itself to coexist with renjun rather than against him the way it worked for others. donghyuck wishes he could coexist alongside them in harmony too.

donghyuck wants to let silence fall back in its rightful place, he wants to lose himself in his own thoughts again, he wants to think about the poems on the wall, maybe if he tried hard enough he’d remember the other ones

but donghyuck still worries, pretending the silence isn’t tapping its foot, nervously wanting to settle back into its spot, waiting to provide its safety net,

“why?” donghyuck asks, although he knew never to pry and only to accept what renjun was willing to share, he was prepared to bite his tongue for the rest of the night after toeing the line just once.

renjun sighed again, like he had been exhausted all his life

“why do you ask so many questions?” renjun would’ve almost sounded bored had he not mastered sounding nearly emotionless.

it bothered donghyuck, he almost wanted to grab renjun and shake sense into him, he wanted to tell him he asked questions because he cared, he asked because despite renjuns hardest attempts, he knew the two still meant a lot to eachother, they were important to one another, donghyuck wanted to explain this to renjun,

instead he decides its his turn to set the silence

because it would be a waste of breath to explain himself

those words would feel dangerous to renjun, donghyuck thinks he avoids speaking because hes scared he might tell the truth one day.

renjun, of course, accepts the silence.

after another hour passing, donghyucks found he spent more time studying renjuns features than he ever had the skies

maybe that was something to worry over, but he was always better with avoidance.

renjun finally sits up, asking the time as he locked eyes with donghyuck for the first time tonight,

for whatever reason, his gaze burns

“3:27 am,” donghyuck says, a little surprised himself at how fast the night slipped away.

“I’ll walk you home,” renjun offers, beginning to stand

donghyuck settles for a nod as his response.

the walk home is quiet, like always

everything is always at its most beautiful when its quiet, just like the stars twinkling, like the accidental brush of their hands on the narrowing uneven sidewalk: just like the brief hesitation before their hands were brought back to their sides

maybe it was imagined, maybe donghyucks mind was creating stories to make sense of the quiet surrounding them, maybe he was just perceptive to an unnecessary degree.

donghyuck prided himself on being observant, he prided himself on figuring things out easily, however he didn’t understand much that came to do with renjun.

maybe it was just the quiet that made him see the beauty in things, or maybe it really was just renjun

donghyuck did believe renjun was a definition of beauty, if he had to describe what made things so beautiful in the middle of the night engulfed in the silence, he'd have to say _the way renjun looks at it_ because he could swear on his own grave that the moon never seemed to glow as bright as it did when renjun was looking at it: but could you blame the moon? it was renjun after all.

donghyuck wasn’t sure what that meant, he just knew it was how he felt.

sometimes donghyuck felt like he didn’t deserve to be the one renjun chose to go on their nightly walks with, he didn’t deserve to see the beauty renjun offered under the moons glow

like the poem plastered on the wall, renjun was a work of art and donghyuck worried his stare may taint his value.

regardless, he craved the routine nights the two had, maybe it was selfish

he craved the vulnerability renjun radiated when they were out, he always looked softer, even if he was just microscopically less guarded

at school, renjun was always tense, his voice sounded forced, like a puppet

he seemed to long for the comforting silence, but comfortability is vulnerability, and the strain in renjuns voice when he forces himself to speak up during disucssions is a reflection of his fear of being known

donghyuck thinks nobody else would ever bat an eye at that, nobody would hear that strain, nobody except him.

it would be a lie to say donghyuck didn’t also pride himself on being able to notice such miniscule details about renjun, in fact, he was very proud of his abilities, one day renjuns mysterious aura would come unraveled and nobody would notice except for donghyuck.

maybe donghyuck would find out one day why renjun always checks behind himself when he enters the room through a giveaway glint in his eyes,

maybe he would find out one day why renjuns shoulders fall when one of their friends mentions their families through the way he carries himself,

maybe he'd find out one day why renjun swears adamantly that happy endings don’t exist by piecing together the words he accidentally lets slip during their nightly walks,

maybe donghyuck would find all the pieces to the puzzle that is renjun

and nobody else would even think to look for abstract meanings in things like the way his hands shake when someone outside of their friend group speaks to him, or the way he always refuses eye contact

knowing renjun well enough to look deeper in these aspects of him is exactly what donghyuck prides himself on.

but renjun did put on a show: hiding everything well enough trained detectives would declare him a hopeless cold case to be shoved on a shelf and collect dust

he was intimidating, he stood as tall as he could, never dropping his façade, his face remained behind its mask, never giving away any semblance of who he was.

but some nights, under the moonlight and surrounded in a comforting silence, he looked something akin to weak, he looked small and hopeless, like he had to retire the façade for a few moments to recharge.

It wasn’t beautiful like stories try so desperately to paint: it was cold and empty, but it was real, and donghyuck felt like that deserved some admiration

in these moments, it grounded donghyuck, reminding him that that’s exactly who renjun was, the person he saw who looked like he wanted to cave in on himself was renjun, not the person who fronted when others were around,

nobody saw this renjun, the one he saw late at night, the renjun who wasn’t as cold as he seemed, the one who lays in the grass and tries to make shapes out of clouds and tries to find consolations in the sky

some nights, renjun fell a little further from his façade, some nights he looked smaller, almost lost, like he was truly helpless

donghyuck thought it felt like that tonight, it hurt.

when donghyuck had climbed out of his window, it was clear by renjuns posture, hands in his pockets with that stupid cigarette already in his mouth, tonight was going to be one of those notorious nights

renjun looked sad, which wasn’t anything new, donghyuck had a feeling he was most of the time, however when he could see it littered across renjuns face it felt different. It was jarring and real, it felt like concrete hardening on his chest.

it hurt seeing renjun smoke, his youthful features seemed to harden and he looked like he had grown up too fast

and although asking was painfully useless, donghyuck still tried sometimes,

just in case he had the chance to not live in vain,

“whats wrong?” he asked as they began walking

because despite everything, he cared. renjun would always mean too much to him, so he asked, just in case.

he expected renjuns response to be the wind blowing through the trees and the sound of their shoes hitting the pavement; but it wasn’t

“I’m just sad,” renjun spoke quietly, like there was something dangerous looming around the corner listening

and if donghyuck hadn’t known him, if he hadn’t known just how much courage saying those simple words probably took, if he was anyone other than himself, he would’ve replied with a sarcastic, “no shit,”

but sarcastic comments were buried in his mind, because renjun had answered him for the first time in a while, the same renjun who hid behind layers of brick walls to keep everyone away had finally answered him.

renjun was letting donghyuck take a step closer to him, he was letting donghyuck entertain the idea of tearing down the walls,

“why?” donghyuck asked, carefully as if renjun were a bridge so delicate even a feathers weight would cause it to collapse.

“that question really does seem to cross your mind a lot,” he answered, a small smile grazing over his face

donghyuck thought it looked genuine, he wondered if the robin was still standing strong or if it was getting ready to fall

donghyuck just hummed at the statement, he knew it meant renjun was done with that conversation

he waits for the silence to wrap its arms back around them, settling comfortably, but the small breath renjun takes in catches his attention, donghyuck thinks it looks like he has more to say

“but since you asked-” he starts, his tone laced with caution, as if whatever was waiting around the corner before was still watching, waiting for vulnerability to prey on, “my parents haven’t really been getting along lately, i’m a little worried,” he finishes, his voice small enough that it shouldn’t have been heard even in a dead silence

but donghyuck heard it

and despite the cigarette, renjuns innocence was back, he looked far too young to have the responsibility of worrying about his parents relationship weighing him down

donghyuck wishes he could do something, he wishes he could hold him and protect him from this situation, he wishes he could find a way to make everything okay, instead he says: “they’ll make up, don’t worry,”

he hopes its enough, he hopes its even the slightest bit comforting

it was a pathetic attempt at consoling him, but donghyuck was inexperienced and didn’t know his boundaries here, it was new territory for renjun to open up

renjun laughs quietly, it sounds bitter

“no they wont, happy endings are bullshit, remember?” he sighs, reminding donghyuck of his harsh outlooks and donghyuck decides to accept the unspoken request from renjun to stop asking questions that followed his sour reply.

donghyuck would store this conversation away safely, he would keep a detailed memory of the words renjun spoke and the tones he used, he would note his own reply with a large red X incase he got the chance to try again one day: he would use this outline to create different responses until he found one he felt would end in a smile.

with that, the walk grew silent again, atleast they still had their safety net.

for the first time in a while, donghyuck glanced at renjun and felt like he could see him clearly and raw without interference, all he saw was sadness

a type of sadness that was weighing down everything around them, his sadness felt like it would cause flowers to wilt and stars to burn out

it hurt donghyuck to see him this way, it hurt to see the truth, it hurt even more knowing there was nothing he could possibly do to fix this

what was he supposed to say? why hadn’t he been better prepared?

but atleast the silence between them was still comfortable

at least even when they had nothing else, they would always have the silence.

“why is winter your favorite season?” donghyuck asks after sitting in the quiet for a while, observing the trees around them beginning to lose their leaves entering autumn.

renjuns gaze was glued somewhere off in the vast night sky: he looked relaxed now

it settled the worry inside donghyuck for the moment, finally the sadness had lifted and renjun looked content

it was irrational, but donghyuck hoped it would stay this way, he hoped it was truthful

he hoped against his better judgement that this one wasn’t a mask.

“i like wearing big coats and earmuffs, I like watching snow fall around me, something about it just feels safe.” renjun said, a smile crossing his face

donghyucks heart warms a little at the sight: renjuns bright smile daring to battle against the moons shine,

renjun won, for the record, he always did.

moments like this made donghyuck feel close to renjun, like the two were inseperable childhood friends who knew all there was to know about one another

the feeling contrasted reality bittersweetly before he could enjoy it enough, the silence engulfing the two again

this time it reminds donghyuck that its all make believe, that donghyuck would hardly be able to tell anyone one fact about renjun outside of his favorite season or color, or other seemingly meaningless pieces of information.

it reminds donghyuck, before his heart can speak, that renjun was still light years away,

the silence always pulled him back to the ground to remind him that renjun was a house with locked gates guarding the entrance, donghyuck was not invited in.

donghyuck watches renjun unravel, each night he feels impossibly farther yet somehow hes opened up more than ever

donghyuck thinks renjun exists like an oxymoron, each secret he shares is another step he takes backwards, he's worried renjuns going to run.

donghyuck learns that renjuns parents fight often, that they drink too much, it hurts to hear.

the information doesn’t sound like a plethora of knowledge being provided, but donghyuck _knows_ renjun, and he knows this is a lot comparatively.

recently, renjuns face had been easier to read, the once practically emotionless renjun was now always visibly tired, he looked exhausted. the prominent undereye bags and half assed attempts to hide the tears forming in his eyes were ample proof.

as much as it horrified donghyuck to see so much of renjun, he felt like was lucky in some sick way

maybe donghyuck really was selfish, maybe he felt proud of the relationship between them growing even at renjuns despair,

was that wrong? was he wrong to find comfort in renjuns pain?

he didn’t find it comforting that renjun was hurt, but there was comfort in the fact that renjun was willing to share these emotions with donghyuck, it felt like a promise of some sort.

donghyuck didn’t know quite how to explain it

he wondered how much longer his arms would be extended towards nothing, he wondered if the robin would fall yet; did donghyuck want the robin to fall? what would that imply? would the robin let itself fall in his arms?

was it foolish to have hope?

donghyuck knew renjun was still falling, he understood the reasons, renjun had explained his conflicts already, but that didn’t stop donghyuck from worrying

worry wrapped its shaking fingers around his bones and seeped slowly inside them to fully course through him without restriction.

it felt like each meeting was slightly more dismal than the last

donghyuck felt like renjun walked with weights dragging behind him at all times

he found himself instantly frowning as he climbed out of his window to meet renjun, something about the night felt too heavy

the silence didn’t feel like a friend, it felt taunting, it felt dangerous

donghyuck felt chills run through his body, where was the safety net?

how could he grip reality?

renjun looked terrible, it hurt donghyuck to look at him

donghyuck felt like he was staring at a corpse, renjun was standing eerily, everything felt wrong

renjun had never looked as distant as he did right now, donghyuck was scared

the moon wasn’t warm, the trees danced dangerously, the wind whipping through them like they were at war

donghyuck was walking into a rotting house, pushing past cobwebs and stepping over skeletons

the floorboards creaked as he walked towards renjun,

“renjun?” donghyuck stopped before he got too close, before he could step on the rotted wood that would undoubtedly cave in underneath him

“are you okay?” he asked, his voice breaking through the angry winds

he felt uneasy, he felt nauseous, like the earth was beginning to tilt

renjun finally reacted, his eyebrows furrowing before he looked at donghyuck

if someone asked donghyuck to describe the worst pain hes ever experienced, he'd tell them it was the look in renjuns eyes in this moment

renjuns eyes were dark, they almost looked inhuman, donghyuck couldn’t recognize any piece of renjun in his eyes

renjun looked like he had been replaced by a shell of himself, there was absolutely nothing in his eyes

like the image plastered behind that poem on the wall: the sky without stars

never ending darkness, a void that didn’t even need to disguise itself as something beautiful to trap its victims in despair

donghyuck watched his shoulders fall first, he watched as renjuns entire façade came crumbling down, donghyuck could nearly hear all the walls shattering

like decade old brick walls shattering, the rubble violently hitting the pavement

it hurt, more than anything donghyuck thinks hes ever felt, to see renjun fall

renjun didn’t answer verbally, donghyuck thinks that’s for the best: he didn’t think he could bear hearing his voice if it sounded the way he looked

instead renjun shook his head slowly, sniffling just once before everything fully fell apart,

within seconds renjun was on the ground sobbing heavily, his whole body shaking with the impact

donghyuck almost broke into tears himself, nothing about this night felt safe, he wanted to feel like safety for renjun, but he'd never been so horrified

donghyuck felt like he was watching a movie, like he wasn't experiencing this in real time

he was waiting for someone to pull him back into existence

renjuns body continued to shake with his sobs, he had never looked so small

it was terrifying, even the worry in donghyucks bones cowered away: he felt horrified and numb in the same moment

but donghyuck forced himself back on this plane of reality, falling right next to renjun before pulling him in his arms

it felt awkward, the hug itself was awkward, but mostly donghyuck struggled to wrap his head around the moment

something about watching his childhood best friend, the person he swore meant the world to him, melt into something unrecognizable shoved him into shock.

was donghyuck a bad friend? he couldn’t tell if he was more horrified at the moment unraveling or his response to the moment and the implications of his response

he tried his best to conjure up beautiful words to whisper that would help renjun calm down, but donghyuck had no idea what he could say that would fix anything.

he wanted to turn around and go back inside, he wanted to forget this happened, he wanted the silence to feel protective, he wanted renjun to be okay

donghyuck didn’t like being unsure, he didn’t like being at a loss, yet here he was, mind blanking with something similar to panic spreading through

he was scared: scared because he was finally truly seeing more of renjun and it was simply horrifying

donghyuck wished he could stop renjuns heart from breaking, he wished he could ease his aching, he wished with every piece of him that he could help the falling robin

hope entirely feels like a concept someone from another universe created

and the wind blew strongly, surely snapping branches that were brittle from the cold

donghyuck wonders if theres any nests left, if theres any baby birds waiting for their mothers to return only to be faced with branches breaking underneath them

donghyuck worries the nest will fall and there will be no home left for the robin to return to,

donghyuck hopes renjun has somewhere he considers a home where he can go

maybe the scariest part was the way renjun held on to his own knees so hard his knuckles turned white, or the way he was breathing so hard it sounded painful, maybe it was the way renjun was shaking so much donghyuck worried he would never stop

donghyuck tried to calm renjun down, pulling all the classic tatics he knew, he ran his fingers through his hair, rubbed his back soothingly, tried rubbing his thumb over renjuns hand, he tried everything in his power to ground the boy

renjun hadn’t stopped crying, donghyuck thought that for every minute they sit like this, another nest is forced out of a tree

it felt like years of renjuns thoughts were being ripped and torn to pieces in donghyucks arms

renjun finally seemed to accept the hug, wrapping his arms around donghyucks in return

donghyuck felt his head dip into his shoulder

“its okay, everything is going to be okay,” donghyuck whispered, still trying all he could, offering that ridiculous concept of hope along with promises he couldn’t keep

he just wanted renjun to come back, he just wanted renjun to be okay again, atleast for right now

was he selfish? all the nights of silence he tried to bargain with, asking the air to help him weasel his way into renjuns psyche,

donghyuck thought he would know how to help.

he had no idea of how much time had passed before he felt renjun stop shaking, before the sobs slowed down to nearly nothing but hiccups,

shortly after that, the two were just hugging to hug, donghyuck was scared to let go.

he was scared renjun might run, he was scared renjun might face him.

“do you want me to walk you home?” donghyuck finally asked, after it felt like renjuns body was beginning to go deadweight in his arms

he figured renjun would be exhausted now; full body sobs take a lot out of a person

but renjuns body tenses up, donghyuck figures that was a stupid question to ask, he should’ve known

he lets that answer his question, renjun is the first to break the hug

he doesn’t look at donghyuck, donghyuck wonders if hes as scared as him right now

renjun wipes his face, but it doesn’t look like he puts his mask back on, donghyuck can still see the exhaustion

the moon seems to pity them, she shines brightly again

donghyuck lets himself accept that warmth when he sees the light illuminate renjuns face

this feels more like home, donghyuck thinks

donghyuck follows renjun as they walk aimlessly

he shouldn’t have expected an explanation, but for some reason he expected at least a few words

it wasn’t that renjun was pretending nothing happened, because he still hadn’t thrown that mask back on, but he wasn’t speaking

donghyuck wondered if renjun trusted him,

donghyuck wasn’t entirely sure if he deserved renjuns trust.

of course the two eventually found themselves back at donghyucks house, they hadn’t walked too far, donghyuck could tell renjun was too tired.

donghyuck feels wrong leaving him, like if he goes inside he is leaving renjun for good, he doesn’t like it

instead he turns to renjun, raising an eyebrow and nodding his head towards the front door, hoping to pose the question, “do you want to stay here tonight?”

renjun receives the message, a ghost of a smile flashes on his lips as he walks up to the porch

“I can sleep on the floor, I don’t mind,” renjun offers

donghyuck frowns at that, “my bed is big enough for the both of us,”

he watches renjun, trying to gauge his reaction to the suggestion, donghyuck wasn’t sure why he felt so nervous

if he were a 14 year old kid obsessed with corny love novels, he'd say maybe he had butterflies

donghyuck swallows them down, eyes flickering across renjuns face searching for something to give him a reason to worry about

renjun just looks towards his feet, he doesn’t argue or express any disapproval,

something tells donghyuck that renjun didn’t really want to sleep on the floor anyways

“thank you, hyuck.” renjun whispers, voice like soft petals on a tulip, dripping with the faintest bit of something sweet

it felt sincere, renjuns words felt emotionally charged, donghyuck almost worried they felt intimate

donghyuck liked renjun with his walls down, he liked the sincerity, he liked the tone of voice he had when he wasn’t trying to be someone else

maybe neither of them would have to live in vain, maybe broken hearts can be stopped, maybe donghyuck can cool his pain

maybe hope wasn’t entirely foolish after all

donghyuck smiles at renjun, it felt warm, it felt honest

and when he woke to renjun invading his personal space as he lay against donghyucks side with his arm across his chest like they were in some cliché romance movie, he still felt that warmth

he didn’t know exactly what to make of it, maybe it was like going to sleep high and waking up still buzzed, maybe the adrenaline from last night carried over, maybe that explains the warmth coursing through him as renjun lets donghyuck hold him with his walls torn down

like catching the falling robin and cradling it, donghyuck let renjun sleep peacefully

donghyuck felt safe again, like even if renjun woke up confused in his arms, he wouldn't be scared

having renjun in his arms felt like flowers finally blooming after harsh winters, it felt like the cleanliness of the air after it rained, it felt like the earth rotating and the sun and moons balance,

it felt instinctual

renjun had begun stirring slightly, donghyuck didn’t try to jump away

though donghyuck wasn’t given the chance to react, renjun had sat up, rubbing his eyes roughly

“what time is it?” renjun asked, voice laced with sleep still, donghyuck was trying to read him before reality rang in and restructured his walls

“nearly twelve in the afternoon,” donghyuck answered, having to double take himself at how late it was

“fuck,” renjun said, fully removing himself from donghyucks side as he climbed out of bed,

it felt domestic, watching renjun crawl out of bed, donghyuck wasn't sure if it left a sweet or sour taste in his mouth

“my parents are going to be pissed that I didn’t come home,” he says, donghyuck recognizes fear in his voice,

renjun sounds scared and it sits horribly with donghyuck

the emotion crawls under his skin and burns

his eyes follow renjun moving through the room searching for his phone, donghyuck thinks he looks frantic almost

he hates the tension, he tries to get words out to ask for an explanation,

the silence on renjuns end despite his very obvious turmoil reminds donghyuck of his boundaries

donghyuck must have been a fool to forget renjun was still so many light years away,

and renjuns gone from the room within seconds, not even a passing glance given to say goodbye to donghyuck

renjun doesn’t show up that night,

donghyuck pretends the crack in his heart was nothing to be concerned over

nonetheless, he waits, his eyes lost in the clouds hoping one will open up and offer him an answer

because renjun never did, not really at least.

they had a routine, their nightly walked ingrained in donghyucks thoughts as something to anticipate when he first woke up,

when he was eating lunch, when he was listening to his professors lecture,

his foot was always tapping to the rhythm of the second hand moving on the clock, pulling him closer to seeing renjun.

and even though the clouds stay still, even though a voice tells him renjun wont come,

he waits by the window, straining his ears for the thud of a small rock hitting his window to signal renjuns arrival

but it doesn’t come, not tonight

donghyuck wakes, back sore from sleeping against the hard surface of his wall, and the first thought of the day is disappointment, though familiar anticipation returns to wash it away

he tells himself renjun must have came while he was sleeping, he must have missed him,

renjun wouldn’t break their tradition.

donghyucks foot taps slower, his attention falling from the second hand, to the minute hand, to the hour hand, then to the date scribbled in the corner of the chalk board

renjun hadn’t came back

donghyuck found his hands picking at the skin around his nails too often to pretend he wasn’t worried

it. had been nine days now

had he overstepped somewhere? was renjun recoiling away?

donghyuck wanted to laugh at himself for believing he could be something of a safe space to renjun, what a fool he had been to believe he would let him in

he finds blame in places it doesn’t have much reason to be,

it must have been his fault for letting renjun fall apart, for inviting him inside, for letting the two of them sleep in so late

though rationally he’s aware none of these things warranted a response like this

donghyuck doesn’t think he’s stupid, he knows that sleeping at a friends house should never warrant the fear he heard in renjuns voice

waiting by the window never promised a good nights sleep,

he’d learned after the fourth night,

his bed didn’t seem to offer much of a well rest either

donghyuck was worried

would renjun finally come tonight?

could donghyuck ask? should he bother?

the image of renjun in tears on the cold cement haunted his mind, the silence offered no relief

was renjun safe being alone with his own mind?

not that donghyuck was ever truly with him and his thoughts,

it was still worrisome.

waiting for renjun was worth the lack of sleep, donghyuck doesn’t sleep too well when he tries anyways

and just before he drifts off, there was a familiar tap on his window

and donghyuck found himself springing up as if it was a survival instinct ingrained in his nature, running to the window

like a robin returning to his nest

it must have been gravity tugging donghyuck towards renjun, within the blink of an eye he was outside, his arms were wrapping themselves around him

donghyuck smiled in relief, he smiled because renjun was safe and alive and in his arms

he felt the world return to motion, the stars dancing and the moon treading through the sky as everything fell back into place

though the relief was short lived,

when donghyuck broke the hug to look at renjun, his smile fell quickly

renjun looked tired, he looked worn down again

like maybe donghyuck needed to keep his arms outstretched incase the robin hadn’t landed in one piece yet

the shadows cast across renjuns face painted what looked like a bruise on his left eye,

it had sent a nasty shiver down donghyucks spine

his hair was messy and unkept, not in some charming picturesque way,

it felt more like an “I give up,” sort

he wanted to frown, to take in this moment and search for words he could say that would help

but renjun speaks too quickly, like he saw the intent in donghyucks eyes, like he was scared. Like donghyuck might ask questions that he couldn’t avoid

“hi,” he said, and it felt like an ocean crashing into the side of an abandoned ship

“hey,” donghyuck replied dumbly, because what else could he say?

renjun smiled, but it looks pathetic, like it hurt to even try.

the border between comfortable and uncomfortable, heavy and light, are very thin in terms of silence

and that’s exactly where donghyuck thought their silence would always exist,

it felt like just when renjun finally started opening up, donghyuck could feel him falling backwards into the dependency of silence

and the truth is: he felt like it was beginning to taunt him.

like the silence was whispering, “you’ll never know him as well as me,” or “he doesn’t trust you,”

the silence was beginning to grip reality too tightly, and donghyuck had just wanted to lift his feet off the ground

but he couldn’t mention that, he couldn’t speak up

the balance would be disrupted, he didn’t want renjun to run again,

so he settled to keep renjun by his side.

at least renjun was here to be silent with him, at least donghyuck wasn’t sitting on his floor alone, eyes peering into the dark sky like the stars would realign to point renjun back to him

the sound of their shoes tapping the pavement echoed off the trees,

donghyuck wouldn’t try to talk tonight, his questions would never be answered anyways.

the illumination of a streetlight finally washed the shadows off renjuns face, donghyuck wanted to take it in

but it turned out it wasn’t the moons fault for its dim lighting, the moon wasn’t really painting shadows on renjuns face, not on his eye

his heart had fallen as his eyes locked on the very real bruise faint on renjuns left eye

“what happened?” donghyuck asked, despite his previous promise,

he couldn’t stop the words from tumbling out

before he could consciously realize, his hand was resting on renjuns cheek, thumb hovering over the seemingly fading mix of brown and yellow under his eye

“its nothing, don’t ask,” renjun said quickly, like it would wipe donghyucks memory if he sounded assertive enough

all donghyuck could do was nod, with his words caught in his throat while he pulled his hand away

the silence settled back,

it was heavy this time around, uncomfortable and thick,

donghyuck felt like it had eyes peering into his soul

like if he spoke one word, it would pounce and renjun would vanish

so donghyuck would bite his tongue, throughout their walk he tried to breathe quietly enough to not shake renjun

and when they reached the end, as threatning as the silence was, donghyuck didn’t want to let renjun turn around and walk home

not after he’d just lost almost two weeks

he would let the silence win, but not without allowing himself a chance at a victory as well,

reaching for the knob on the front door as he turns to face renjun, hoping he’ll read the offer again, hoping he wont disrupt the balance again

maybe it was selfish to try, but donghyuck still persisted

and renjun smiled, something akin to gratitude ghosting across his features, he followed behind donghyuck.

at least this smile didn’t look painful

donghyuck didn’t want to live in vain,

he didn’t want a life without footsteps to show his stories

he didn’t want the silence to bury itself inside him and build a home

“donghyuck?” his voice is soft

donghyuck hums in response, eyelids heavy over his eyes

“nevermind.”

if he hadn’t been so exhausted, if he hadn’t had such a horrid sleeping schedule the past nights,

maybe donghyuck would’ve pressed

but he was already drifting off,

renjun lying next to him, safe in donghyucks nest for tonight

he hoped the silence would grow back into a friend.


End file.
